Bears With Lasers Pew Pew!

I was cabbing back home today with two of my friends (who happen to be my connect group members), and we were discussing about the most random of things. We soon struck up a conversation on commitment and relationships, and soon one of my friends, who is a 15 year old guy, told me he wanted to get attached.

Needless to say, I gave him the standard run-of-the-mill, take-it-or-leave-it advice: Don't get attached at your age, you're way too young to settle down. I told him that I've not seen one relationship that started below the age of 16 actually progress pass adolescence; most of my friends that got attached young ended up single by the time they hit 21 (or in the case of many, even earlier than that).

Nat resisted my argument and said that teenagers getting attached young is not even about settling down, but simply to garner some life experience. Seriously, I think relationship experience is an extremely overrated quality. I shonestly don't think relationship experience is going to really help you actually make a relationship work out. Simply put, unless one LEARNS from experience, having a string of bitter relationships lurking in your past is not going to help. And let us face it, most people don't change. Much. What caused a previous relationship to fail is probably going to repeat itself into a vicious cycle over and over again.

I mentioned that I thought maturity was a far more important trait in a relationship. You need maturity to be able to take responsibility; you now do things not just for yourself, but for your partner as well - both of you function as one, albeit in separate bodies. You need maturity to make compromises, to put up with each other, to tolerate and to love. You need maturity to know when to give up a relationship if it is really not going to work out. You need maturity to handle children when you do have them in a marriage.

Later on, Nat joked that I do not want children, and that I do not even want to get married. Leon jokingly asked if I wanted a boyfriend instead. I actually can't say that I don't want a girlfriend, but I don't feel ready for it, and I don't know when I will. Nat pointed out that I was just a commitment phobe, which was actually VERY true. She hit the nail right on the head.

I am actually VERY afraid of commitment. Not just commitment in a relationship, but commitment in general. When I took on chief editor position for Insomniac, I was thrilled, but also terrified at the same time of the commitment it would require of me. When I started attending zone meeting for my church, I initially found myself overwhelmed with trepidation - I knew I would need to have a lot more commitment to the cell group and put in a lot more effort. This all boils down to a single point - wanting to stay in my comfort zone.

Not to be committed means to be comfortable, and to be comfortable means an easy life. But is it really that wrong to want a little bit of comfort for oneself? I know for myself, my life as it is, is already difficult enough. I have a difficult pass, I have tons of writing assignments (including for the church), killer school modules, and frequent family gatherings. I need just a little bit of comfort for myself. Some 'me' time. And 'me' time is crucial for self development. Getting into a relationship is going to eradicate all of that. Hence, I am not going to sacrifice it just to get into a relationship for the sake of a relationship (which by the way, many people do, unfortunately). I will only sacrifice it if i REALLY, REALLY, love a girl SO MUCH i KNOW she is the right one for me.

If that makes me a commitment phobe, then yes, I am one. But despite my hatred for commitment, I have learnt to push myself out of my comfort zone many times, taking up commitment and responsibility for many different projects. So i know doing so for a girl is definitely possible for me.

One thing I would like to point out is that people too often view commitment phobes in derision or treat them in a derogatory manner. The truth is, one should not fault them, because these people are PRECISELY the ones who know how big commitments are. Hence the fear. Many people who jump into relationships sneering at the 'wise-cracking, single, and sad' people who are careful about choosing their commitments, these are often the ones who don't know how huge a commitment is- especially in the context of a relationship. In other words,they are ignorant. And look, being ignorant of the huge level of effort and commitment required of a relationship is already a breeding ground for heated arguments and mutual dissatisfaction, which are catalysts for a disastrous break-up.

Is it better to be ignorant or to be wary of commitment? You decide. =D

P.S. Having said all, I still do think that I wanna get married in the long run. Just not in the near future.

Or sometimes I wish I did, what with me being too nice all the time. The past couple of sessions with my tuition kid has taught me that being too nice is NOT always the best thing for a person; he has grown increasingly noisy, lazy, and rebellious during tuition sessions. The only consolation is that he likes me a lot and I like him a lot too; I think he's great fun to teach and incidentally, I actually end up learning a lot from him.

I don't know if there's such a thing about laziness influencing others, because if my tuition kid is getting lazy because of my influence, then I am guilty as charged. Yes, I've grown rather lazy since the passing of my theatre production, The West Wing, and right after last semester's exams I immediately lapsed into a perpetual state of inertia. I did work during my summer vacations, but other than that I was pretty much slacking away. Even now, I haven't totally re-acclimatized myself back to schooling life, and I end up waking up late one too many days, resulting in me missing a significant number of lectures/tutorials. Woe is me. Repent, I shall, and since God tells me that He'll crown my year with goodness, I'll hold on to that promise by faith, and believe that if I start pulling up my socks right this moment, He can still work miracles and salvage my regressing school grades.

I guess laziness never really pays, does it really?

The opposite of excellence is compromise. Compromise, I shall not.

I've been spending many late nights in school lately, what with the production underway , and rehearsals escalating at an alarming rate. I think I may have crossed some of my fellow TS majors, but I can only do my part and do so much. Pastor Ulf's message was really liberating; I don't need to seek any form of validation from man anymore - my only worth is found in the Lord and it is unquantifiable. It's funny how for how well I'm able to control my negative emotions (i.e. bitterness, sadness, envy) and release them to God, yet I struggle so much when dealing with people who do not like me. Rejection is always a bitter pill to swallow especially when you do not know why people are not reciprocrating the kind of love you are showing - or at least trying to show - them. I am going to pray extra hard so that I get my breakthrough, but one thing's for certain: I am going to need to be a better friend and student if I want to shine for God in school. I've not exactly been a shining beacon of light or like the billboard Christian role model in school yet, so I'm gonna step up my game.

Pace yourself, my leader tells me. I agree. And yet I'm not going to take things easy on myself, I'm going to push myself to be more hardworking, more diligent, and especially more compassionate and loving to my friends. For the glory of God, of course.

***

Late night walks down the Arts Walkway is always interesting. You see all sorts of people: the couples that make out, the hardworking buddies toiling at their books, or some people who are simply reading a novel quietly by themselves. Ever so often, I am the latter; not that I'm unhappy about, because recently I've been so busy working with other people and being around other people I feel suffocated. Still, I wonder if these same people were alone voluntarily or perhaps forced by circumstance? The lonely faces abound; those outrageously thick books planted in front of them, betraying the vacant hearts that are too afraid to break out of their shell. The shell of the self.

Maybe that's why we read novels. Because we don't want to feel lonely, because we want to connect with other people.

I'm feeling lousy over many things in my life. First, there's the mom issue. Apparently I realize in all these years being a Christian, I've not been able to make a huge impact in her life yet. She knows I've simmered down and lost alot of my temper towards her, and these days I rarely even raise my voice towards her, even though I still get irritated at times. When she shouts at me for certain things that are actually pretty minor, I just keep quiet. But how else can I be a good son? As long as I'm in church and I'm giving my title and building fund contributions to church, she can never get past that fact. She thinks I'm giving away all my money that she and my dad are giving me to the church. Now I'm really at my wit's end. Thank God that He really reversed the situation for me today. I've got a pair of complimentary tickets to go watch Dim Sum Dollies, so I decided to give it to my mom and sis next week and both of them seemed pretty eager.

The past few days have seen me screw up pretty bad too. Today, I told a lie. I told my prof that I was on MC a few weeks ago when I missed one of my rehearsals when I was only ill, but I did not have an MC cos I didn't see the doctor. And then one thing led to another.

Right now all I can do is pray for forgiveness and realign my heart to God's. Despite my busy schedule, prayer and bible reading must be a conviction, not a preference. Last year I had such hunger for God's word and His presence, but after the dark period in December and January, it seemed like I didn't quite recover as much of that same hunger again. But thirsting for God is a choice, He won't MAKE me hungry for Him. So that I will do.

And some other things in my life still seem the same. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I think tonight I need to really pray and re-evaluate certain things about my life, especially when I'm now going to attend leader's meeting. I need to rise up to the occasion.

It's weird how people who are headstrong and individualistic seek to base their self worth independently of what others think of them. Smart in a way, because latching your self worth to others' opinions of you is absurd and potentially fatal. The irony though, is that these individualistic (and often detached) group of people base their personal value on the fact that they do not relate their worth to the opinions of other people; this means their basis of judging their self worth is (ironically) still measured in relation to other people. If all other people were doing the same as them, and they are but part of the norm, will they feel so special after all? Is there any other way to quantify one's worth?

Sometimes I feel that for all my errant thoughts of a life independent of God in the past, I can never really ever live a life without God, one of the reasons being I don't know how to define myself apart from God and His word. Which is good I guess. After all, is it really possible to base one's worth-removed from societal definitions- other than on God's love for you? People who don't know God base their value, their meaning, on that one thing they perceive as the most important in their lives - their wives, their kids, their jobs, their success, etc. Well, Christians also base their self worth on that One Thing important in their lives (God), but it is something eternal. If you ask me, I choose to validate myself on something eternal than something transient.

Anyway now it's onward, onward, and onward. God has been great to me in 2007, and I want to be closer to Him this year, and move onto a new level.

I know, not quite the most encouraging message to all my readers, considering this is the (weirdly auspicious) beginning of the new year; the turning point; the moment when magic wands are waved over precious lives to mark the start of some inexplicable change. Strangely, I think this blog is really turning to nonsense. I think a whole lot of the time about topics to write and I have a ton of them, but either laziness keeps me from writing, or my own self-critical attitudes.

In case most of you don't know, despite this being a (largely) private blog, I still tend to try to keep a detached stance in my writing; I don't let things get too personal. I try to compartmentalize, the emotions I really want to put down in words and the ones I want to let everyone read. I can never really go all out down here, but I guess it can be a good thing too - a lesson in discipline; an exercise in curbing excesses. Which is all the more important if I am to become a cell group leader.

The past year has been a really crazy year for me, my craziest one ever. There were major trials for me, very difficult times which I've now triumphed over and stand proudly as a victor over them. But 2007 has seen the return of several rather old foes: one being the black wave. The never-ending dark cloud of depression which I never cease to stop fighting. One slip of mental discipline and it's all over me like a ravenous vampire lapping up on fresh human blood. I'm never over truly over depression - as I once told myself before - although I do think that by God's grace, it doesn't bind me anymore. Depressive behaviour is just something I'm inclined to, since a more introverted disposition like mine is the perfect breeding ground for over-thinking and over-intellectualizing and hence leading up to negativity and maybe numbness as a response to negativity. But if I've learnt anything, positivity is always a choice, just like faith. It takes attitude and character to stay positive all the time.

It was something I once had; but I think of late that character, that faith, has been leaking away gradually.

If there is a way I want to start off the new year, it'd be to regain this faith and character.

According to AdvisorTeam, my temperament is an Idealist.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.